Sunday, September 6, 2009

Love does not manipulate with pink push-up bras

We have $3.50 in our bank account.
Unexpected car repairs and a couple of medical bills have depleted our wallets and savings account.
Until hubby gets paid next week things are tight.
He told me tonight he wanted to drive 45 minutes to visit with some friends.
He has a quarter tank of gas and a week before he can fill it up.
"We don't have the money for you to take random trips. Have you seen gas prices?" I said.
"I told them I'd be out there," he told me.
Well, that's well and good, but we had to scrounge around the seat cushions yesterday to find $1.50 so we could buy bananas (my husbands drug of choice) and I didn't think making unnecessary trips so he could jam out with some friends was wise.

I have the uncanny ability to literally feel my blood pressure raise.
It's a gift, really.
When I get angry or stressed out I can feel the rush of blood through my veins and the tightening of my heart.
You know those old cartoons where steam pours out of the characters ears? That could happen to me one day. I'm expecting it.
Tonight, while making dinner, I purposed to not be "easily-angered."
As I chopped mushrooms and onions I decided to treat my husband like an adult.
It's sometimes hard for me to remember he is two years older than me.
For the first time since we've been married I considered that, at 32 years old, he may not appreciate his wife acting like his mother.
I have an over-inflated view of my maturity level and tend towards bossiness- especially in dealing with men that play video games and keep Hulk Hogan dolls on their computer desks.
When my husband doesn't think rationally (i.e listening to me) I become condescending. My insults are usually accompanied by eye rolling and stomping.
I've only now realized my behavior was a form of tantrum.
I didn't get my way and so I made everyone around me miserable.
It's a humbling experience to realize you act like your two year old when you've always thought you acted older than you were.

As we were finishing up dinner he stood and gave the girls hugs goodbye.
He brought his plate to the kitchen and I'm ashamed to say I unbuttoned the top, three buttons of my shirt. Did I mention I've become quite adept at manipulating him with my sex appeal?
One last ditch effort to get him to stay at home and keep his gas where it belonged- in the tank. Though, by this point I think I was just mad he was winning.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Showing you what you'll miss out on if you go out."
He laughed, gave me a kiss and left.
So much for my sex appeal. My maturity level isn't the only thing I have a hyped view of.
I guess using a pretty bra is better than screaming and insulting, though. It's a step in the right direction, isn't it?
Then why do I feel like I missed a perfect opportunity to demonstrate love?
I'm glad I didn't start an argument but I was still "self-seeking."
I still wanted him to "listen" to me.
Obey me, even.
But he's a grown man. My husband. The head of the house.
So it's all about baby steps. I'd be kidding myself if I thought I could change long-held attitudes overnight.
It's a process, but I think God will honor it. I'm pursuing righteousness. I'm not sure I'll ever attain it, but that's not really the point.
God sees my heart. He knows I really want to be a fabulous wife that brings honor to her husband and peace to her home.
I have to expect, in this process of learning about love, that I'm going to going to fall short sometimes.
Probably more often than not.
Tonight I wasn't hateful and argumentative.
I didn't create a mountain out of a mole-hill.
I did try to manipulate him with my (obviously ineffective) pink push-up bra, but I think he found that much more enjoyable than the alternative.
So, no screaming when I don't get my way and no button down shirts until I'm able to resist the impulse to exploit his sex drive.
Got it.

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